Transferring Emotional Energy.
Since my divorce in ’14, friends told me to clear the emotional energy before moving on. Divorced friends shared that it took three to five years to find a new normal following a divorce. At first, I rejected the notion it would take me five years to find a new normal. Sure, I thought, it might have taken you that long to recover, but not me. My situation was different, I was motivated to move on, and I was clear about my intention post-divorce.
Yet, time has shown I wasn’t so clear.
It took me almost eight years to realize it.
Sure I was over the marriage, but I didn’t energetically clear my emotional pain. Honestly, at the time, I didn’t know how to feel or acknowledge that emotional pain properly.
Yes, I was over my ex. I no longer had feelings for her. I no longer loved her; I no longer hated her either. I felt indifferent, and that is how I knew the marriage was over.
The pain, however, didn’t clear by simply acknowledging the truth of the marriage.
Years later, I would find myself in an argument with my girlfriend Stefanie, where our conversation triggered past disputes with my ex-wife. Looking back at the moment now, from something that happened nearly five years ago, I can see that I transferred unhealed pain onto Stef at that moment.
It’s no surprise then that the relationship between Stef and I kept hitting roadblocks from that point on. She didn’t do anything wrong. She triggered me because I was storing the emotional pain of my marriage and failed to clear it. Early in the relationship, Stef said that she took two years off from dating to be emotionally clear for her next relationship, me. I recall thinking that sounded excessive and unnecessary, yet she was 100% right when I looked back.
This past weekend was a healing one for us both. Several weeks have passed since our breakup, and we both decided to hold healing conversations without holding on to a particular outcome. We sat quietly over tea and spoke heart to heart, highlighting how we got to this place of going our separate ways.
When a relationship is over, there is nothing to lose. I checked my Ego, defensiveness, and the need to be right; she did the same. Not only did we speak our truths, but we listened with new ears. In the conversation, Stef repeated something she had been saying for years, “I never felt like we really were able to co-create a life, ever.” Ordinarily, I would react to this, offering up every point of evidence I could find as to how “I” gave it a shot and tried. This time the words landed differently. Curiosity kicked in, and I asked myself, “what does she mean by that?”
To co-create a life meant that I would have needed to meet Stef on the same page to create something new together. It wasn’t about inviting Stef to my canvas to create, or vice-versa. Instead, it meant we would paint on a new canvas together, collaboratively, free of past energy. In that realization, I could clearly feel that she was right in her observation of us.
All those years ago, when I transferred my emotional pain to Stef, I highlighted all the reasons why things couldn’t work. The months and years that followed were reverberations of me being defensive, resentful, and closed off to possibilities. How in the Hell can anyone build on that relationship foundation.
Realizations lead to clearing. They offer new perspectives. For the first time since the initial few months of our relationship, we each felt light and clear. The cornerstone that our arguments and disagreements were built on was removed, and the wall between us dropped. There was a palpable clearing of energy, and for the first time in years, we both saw the relationship with new eyes.
I’m not sure how to instruct others on clearing their emotional energy. I’m no expert. The idea of clearing emotional baggage or energy is often spoken about but seldom heard. It’s too easy to move on to the next person. We transfer all of our old pains onto that new relationship when we do so without clearing the energy. We unfairly saddle others with the weight of our past experiences.
The only suggestion I have found is to listen deeply. Listen to the narratives of the stories you are telling yourself. Slow the mind and get curious about the story you are telling yourself. Ask questions of your stories and feel into your body’s response. You’ll know your truth when you speak it. Don’t fear it; love it. Make peace with it, and you’ll clear your heart for a lighter and more abundant future.
As for Stef and I, neither of us knows where this will go next but we’re both curious to give it another go and paint on a fresh canvas.