The Perceived Judgements of Others, is More About How We See Ourselves
When it comes to the perceived judgement of others, it is more about how we see ourselves than anything else. If we believe that we are not good enough, then we will tend to believe that others are judging us negatively as well. However, if we have a healthy sense of self-worth, then we are more likely to see the positive in what others say or do, thus increasing our confidence.
My confidence Achilles heal is comparison.
When I hear others talk about their accomplishments, especially travel or material wealth I default to comparison. The self narrative is awful, it goes something like this:
“Look, they’ve figured it out, and are doing it well. You are fully capable of these things and you haven’t got to where they are. You slacker. You asshole. You are worthless, try harder.”
Ouch.
Now I’d like to tell you that I’m beyond material self-worth. To a large degree I am. However, it’s still there, especially when I feel stressed, tired or depleted.
This is where perceived judgment kicks in. I don’t invite others to my home very often. Why? Because at some level I’m embarrassed. Even though I’ve done a ton of impressive work to remodel my home, at a deep level I’m always comparing. I tell myself that I’m afraid of what others might think of me, but in reality, I’m afraid to admit what I think of myself.
To flip the script, there is an exercise that has started to work for me.
Rather than hiding from my own self-judgement, I make friends with that feeling. I don’t assign it a value, I simply notice the discomfort and extend love to that feeling. The conversation now looks like this:
“Hmm, I feel discomfort. Thank you body for telling me that. I know you are scared at some level and I love you for looking out for me. Please keep telling me you are scared, I will fully feel into that. I feel you. I’m now aware of what you are trying to tell me and I’ve got this going forward, you can now relax. Thank you. I love you.”
Even typing this out makes me feel more loved, seen and relaxed.
If you can relate, I’d love to hear from you.
